#Fiction: Noah in Nigeria

Here's a funny modern day take on Noah's Ark. Imagine Noah is Nigerian from the South-South geo-political zone.

PS: It's just for a laugh, so please don't take it too seriously.

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."


And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain, "thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. 
"I did my best. But there were big problems.

First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire extinquisher system.

My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in in the South-South, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough grass for cattle in the Ark because the Fulani herdsmen might invade my community at night and have our throats slit. I had to convince my state government that I needed grass to save cattle. But they wouldn't stop the herdsmen from invading and killing my people. So no grass.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Congress before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no grass.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. 
'Why take just two?' They argued '...when there are many to save?'

Just when I got the suit dismissed, NEMA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Ministry of Works wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. I got labeled insane. 
Lord... I can't deal!

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Federal Character Committee over how many Northerners I'm supposed to hire. EFCC has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

Father Lord, I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "Father Lord, You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has."


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